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localguy57's LiveJournal:
| Monday, February 27th, 2006 | | 9:04 pm |
what hurts the most
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house That don’t bother me I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while Even though going on with you gone still upsets me There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok But that’s not what gets me What hurts the most Was being so close And having so much to say And watching you walk away And never knowing What could have been And not seeing that loving you Is what I was tryin’ to do It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go But I’m doin’ It It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone Still Harder Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret But I know if I could do it over I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart That I left unspoken What hurts the most Is being so close And having so much to say And watching you walk away And never knowing What could have been And not seeing that loving you Is what I was trying to do What hurts the most Is being so close And having so much to say And watching you walk away And never knowing What could have been And not seeing that loving you Is what I was trying to do Not seeing that loving you That’s what I was trying to do *these are the lyrics to the rascal flatts latest hit* it just opens up so much emotions for me. it might be for a couple whose been down that road and now driving away never to look back. but for me its a whirlwind of emotions. i for one was in love with my best friend from high school. we'd have so much fun together, but of course he's straight right. he'd come to me with all of his problems and then when he needed girl advice he'd also come running to me. i'd have to sit there and listen to how amazing some girl was, when i really wanted to tell him that he's amazing. eh. so this weekend i went down to mcminnville to visit my best friend for his birthday. i got to hang out with many of his college friends that i've never met and of course his new gf. i had a great time. his gf is amazing and shes everything that i always hoped that he would find. hehe. on the other hand i couldn't help but feel a little aggrivated with one of his friends. he's like the best friend in college friend, kind of i guess taking over my role. but not really. i'm still number one on myspace. thats right. lol but yeah i felt like i was competing for my friends attention, and to my reality i felt like i was losing my best friend. i felt like an outsider. althouh he tried to make me feel included i just knew that i didn't fit in. and what bothers me most was that i wrote him a comment on myspace about how i hoped he had a good birthday and then after that this friend does the same, and who does my friend comment...NOT ME!!! Haha i couldn't help but feel a little pissed off. I'm still waiting for my comment damn it. ANYWAY. I'm not bitter or anything. I just needed to vent. Its like everytime i'm around him, i can't help but wish i could have told him so many things, but never could. I don't think i ever will. | | Wednesday, February 8th, 2006 | | 7:35 am |
interesting
everytime i think i'll like someone who has at least some reciprocated feelings back, why is it that theres always something that bothers me to the point of dislike. i know i should be the least bit picky, but i mean at some point we all have to be picky, because we deserve to be happy. sorry this is a rant and just curious is all. hope everyone is doing good. | | Saturday, February 4th, 2006 | | 11:41 pm |
saturday
its saturday, anyone want to do something tonight??? its been a long week of work and i'm finally done. weeeeee. well it starts up again on monday. oh the joy. | | Wednesday, January 18th, 2006 | | 10:52 pm |
sitting here all alone
as i sit here all alone in this big house, i can't help but feel a teensy weensy bit scared. haha. yes i'm a weenie. i'm housesitting for a college supervisor that i had, otherwise known as aunty since she spoils me so. she has a dog, and two cats and then i brought my pride and joy piko(the kitty) along to keep me company if not she'd be lost at home all alone. so i haven't updated in forever and a day. most of my journals seemed to be consumed of a guy named Zack. man i miss seeing his cute smile. i haven't talked to him since thanksgiving and thats been soooooooooo long ago. i do hope he's doing good. anyway i have a new job, well new position with kindercare as their private kindergarten teacher. i have a whopping total of 10 kids in my class, but oh my they feel like 30. i swear they all have some sort of disorder whether it be ADD or Asbergers. i do love them so, they are my "little troublemakers". i honestly have never seen so much little boys kissing before. kind of disturbs me a little, and i think our nation will one day be populated with a lot more boy on boy kissers. haha. but i do try and stop them, not necessarily who they want to kiss, but the action. interesting i know. but anyway so i'm finally a teacher teacher...a teacher with shitty pay and no benefits but i'm a teacher none the less. bally sucks ass. it seems to be always busy and yet theres never enough help. i'll prolly end up quitting even though i want to utilize my free membership. moving has been another subject that has encompassed my life in the past weeks. i'll be living with my friends sundi and amy. i think it will be a rather interesting move but one that will be fun. hoping to live in a house or townhouse but will settle for an apartment if it works out best. thinking about a guy whom i've hung out with once and would like to do more hanging out. we'll call him CC. my little nickname for him. anyway its past my bedtime and i should venture to sleep. comment me biatches. well even though there are only 3 of you. hope you all are doing great. brian | | Sunday, November 13th, 2005 | | 1:19 am |
and...
and i haven't talked to him for two weeks. :( sadness................................. ........................................ | | Saturday, November 5th, 2005 | | 4:18 pm |
| | Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005 | | 7:25 am |
good is good
good is good and bad is bad i love the new sheryl crow song... anyway its good when its good and its bad when its bad. i started my new job at kindercare full time this week. can i just say that its hella crazy. anyway hopefully it will get better. i haven't seen zack for like 5 days. i'm gonnna have to start working out at 5 am just so i can see him. damn that'd be dedication. i got a comment from him on myspace yesterday. so that made my day. then i fell asleep early cause i was hella tired. anyway i know i should just try and forget about the whole aspect of even liking him, but you can't tell your heart what to feel. eventually i'll get over. but for right now i'm hoping that it'll become more. anyway its 730 a.m. and i gotta get ready for work. have a great day. | | Sunday, October 30th, 2005 | | 10:21 am |
recap of birthday
1. Work @ Bally 2. While @ work at Bally i got a call from that special someone. Yes Zack. He called to tell me Happy Birthday. I was so damn happy. :) 3. Went home and got ready to head into portland w/ amy, jen and sydney. We ended up going to sushi town for lunch. How fun...lol 4. Rode the max to NW 23rd. Visited Shannon at work and then walked the strip. Got some coffe *pumpkin spice latte* and hung out at starbucks for a little bit. 5. Went to old navy, best buy and winco on the way home. 6. Ordered Pizza, Ate Pizza and drank beer with the buddies. *amy, jen, shan, sydney, diana and aki* I got to open and get all my gifts. I love my friends. 7. Watched one tree hill with amy and aki. Then watched one tree hill with just ames...Took ames home and then conked out for bed. 8. The end...I hope he calls me again soon. :) | | Saturday, October 29th, 2005 | | 12:56 am |
birthday
what i'd give to have him for a birthday present right now. today is my birthday well actually its only been my birthday for an hour. wooo hoo. i said goodbye to zack today and i gave him a halloween card. :( i hope he calls me and keeps in touch. it'd be great if he called tomorrow. anyway i love my friends. they are trying to be sneaky and all that fun stuff. well i'm tired, long day at work and i have to work in the morning. bleh. goodnight. | | Friday, October 28th, 2005 | | 12:50 am |
.sadness.
.sadness. so the guy that i have a huge crush on that i thought was gay...well maybe still things so...has a 2 year old son, and he has a fiance, a woman of course. I was like omg are you serious. When i went to work today he tried to scare me with his gorilla costume, and then he told one of my co-workers how hard he tried to scare me. Then i go outside to talk to him and then he drops the oh i think i might bring my son to fall festival. WHAT? lol Crazy-ness. Anyway so i was heartbroken at that bitter moment. I didn't want to be there, I was super sad. Then tonight we did our fall festival thing at bally. It was lots of fun watching the kids and letting them play games. Zack brought his son and his finace in. Can i just say that his son is sooooooo adorable. They dressed him up as a lil devil. But i snuck some candy for him and gave it to him so he could put it in his bag. I introduced myself to his finace and all that fun stuff. Zack came and told me goodbye before he left. So damn hott!!! I loved him in his monkey costume. But he's so ADD0RABLE!!! anyway heartbreak...blah. sadness. :) | | Wednesday, October 26th, 2005 | | 11:27 pm |
so...
so... i didn't have work today, it was my day off from ballys... but... i went and got my oregon drivers license and then worked at kindercare. i went for my orientation and then they ended up throwing me into a classroom. those kids are evil...nah they are great but they don't listen to anyone...so i blame the teachers and establishment. i really didn't like my first day. i hated it actually. so i don't know how this will work out. but aside from all of that i had some "good" news from my friend who works at me at ballys. she told me that zack had asked about me and when he found out that i wasn't working today he was like "awww". how cute is that? the bad thing is i don't even know if he's gay. lol this would be the most amazing thing EVER to happen to me. lol so i'm thinking its way too good to be true. so i shoudln't get my hopes up. but he's so darn cute and is pretty damn amazing. aside from that, me, shan, jen and ames just hung out and ate soup, and then watched the L word. for the first episode it was hard to understand but its pretty good. a lot of little stories going on. ok nitey, nite. or actually more myspace. :) | | 8:59 am |
he's so gosh darn cute
the whole little office romance thing seemed so far fetched to me...never really thought i'd like someone at work. but... i love the flirting that goes on. haha. so theres this guy named zack who works at the front desk and i of course work in the playroom. he's a total cutie and really sweet. one day out of the random aside from our talks, he says high five...me thinking to myself, wtf? who gives high fives. lol but i went along with it anyway. so since that day everymorning that i've gone into work its been high five, or you didn't give me a high five this morning...high five, or hide behind the desk to try and scare me in the morning. oh and to make it seem even more interesting, i'm working and one of my co-workers debbie goes and gets a scissors from the front desk and when she comes back shes like brian, zack told me i could have the scissors only if i gave you a high five for him. lol i'm like what? so in my conclusion...hes a high five kind of guy, who is hella hott but even more so a great guy in general. hes 20 and working and trying to pay off his bills and going to school part time. anyway by the end of this week i'm getting his number so we can hang out, who knows maybe even this weekend. kinda sad that i won't be getting my high five today since i don't work there. :( | | Thursday, September 29th, 2005 | | 11:35 pm |
grrr
grrrr so i'm mad at my fridgin cat for jumping up and ripping my justin timberlake poster. damn her i tell you. and she has the fridgin issue of fucking biting and scratching me. the damn ho, i give her a place to live, feed her and all that shit and thats how she treats me. if things don't shape up i'm gonna give her away. i cant take it. not to metion that she ripped up my fucking screens. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. so much fucking money on this damn cat. but shes adorable and is my little princess. but damn it!!! aside from my irritation with the cat, work is alright. today one of my favorite kids had his last day. it was pretty sad. they're thinking of making the 1-3pm slot into a preschool type of thing and they want me to teach it. i said sure as long as i get paid more. we'll see how that goes. if not the playroom will go back to being closed during that time. i want another job though. one that pays me a lot more money. money shouldn't be an issue but i need to pay my bills. there are some total hotties that work at bally's too. i must say that it makes going to work a lot easier. :) lol sorry this blog is about randomness. don't have anything else to say. blah. | | Monday, September 26th, 2005 | | 11:08 pm |
Life after college
I've finally decided to use this thing. I wanted to start writing in a journal but said hey technology is so great i can just type it, and of course its just so much faster. But not as pretty. Anyway... Where do i begin? ..Work.. Now that i am graduated from college i find myself working a job that pays crap and i am hardly able to express myself or use my creative juices. Rather i am somebody's bitch doing the shit work. Ok i'm sure its not that bad. I work at Bally Total Fitness as a childcare assistant and kids fitness instructor. I love the job in that i get to work with kids all day and really make a connection with the kids that come in on a regular basis. I do have my favorites because those are the kids that seem to take a general interest in me. I'll always have some sort of story to tell when i'm at home about some of the kids. I've realized that i want to work with children as it brings me great joy to see them take an interest to something or even achieve some level of respect. From being well mannered, a little rebellious, soft spoken, loud, curious and very friendly children love when someone gives them attention. Like today to one of the kids, he wanted for me to play house with him and he made me the mommy and he was the daddy. Haha. He'd call me "dearest" and when i'd walk away to do some cleaning he'd be like "dearest where did you go". lol Hilarious. He's like i like playing with you. But it just sucks for me being paid diddley squat and with my degree and teaching license. Not to mention OREGON sucks at hiring teachers. Man I seriously thought that it'd be easier for me to find a job. But nope...Some of the managerial issues at Bally gets to me as well. I feel sometimes i can do a heck of a lot better job. Being nice to your customers is one thing, but if you can't make your employees feel like they are accomplishing something then something is wrong. BLEH!!! ..Love.. Or lack there of. I've come to realize that i was never in love. Instead i've had some strong "likes" but never love. I told myself that i was never going to call Jared again, after our falling out in January. But my hormones got the best of me last week and i texted him. We started talking and he ended up coming over two days later. But i had no intention of talking about a relationship, i knew what i wanted. I felt so unsatisfied, i was craving something and when it came down to it, i had no feeling, no emotion. I don't know what i want anymore. I've realized that i don't think i have any feelings for jared. I'm glad that he was there and helped open me up emotionally. But i seriously have no "feelings" for someone. It's so hard to meet people. I don't know if looking will do any better. I've "looked" for a long time and ended up with nothing. So i really think i've given up. Everytime i find interest in someone, they either have their heart invested in someone else, break my heart, or are too afraid to tell me the truth. Granted i'm horrified at the fact of having feelings for someone. I tend to not be aggressive at all. I'm not as confident as i'd like. ..Friends.. I enjoy the friends that i have and am glad that i have got to share so many memories with them. I wish i had the opportunity to make more friends and experience other things that i normally do not. I love to go out clubbing but not all of my friends share that common hobby and i don't like going by myself. So its different. I'd like to try new things and see new places. ..Oregon vs. Hawaii.. I enjoy Oregon, but i miss Hawaii. Granted i think i'd rather live here cause its a hell of a lot cheaper. Maybe its time for me to move on, live in somewhere i've never been and start over. We'll see only time will tell. I should probably start looking into grad school and what i want to do with my life. I think i'm done with writing this, not sure what else to write at this moment. Or at this rate this entry could go on forever. WHAT I WANT!!! - A Job/Career that is steady and pays well and makes me happy. - More friends, and if something should happen then so be it. - Less BILLS, don't we all. - Someone to take an interest to me. Logging off at 11:36 pm :) |
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